Thankful on a Thursday - God is Gentle.

Sometimes, I question God. 

Whether it's through the mechanisms of anger, frustration or fear... I question His motives, His Word and the calling that He's placed on me.

I stand frustrated at the sink.

I'm washing bottles, again. I have our little TV monitor perched on the countertop so I can see Rowan's progression towards his nap. He's not sleeping. He's screaming. I'm aware that I could go upstairs, wrap him in the swaddle that we're trying to break him of, and he'd go right to sleep. The cries coming from the little speaker make every hair on my body stand on end. I can't take it anymore. My back hurts. I feel like I spend hours at this sink. Bottles, dirty dishes, preparing dinner. Seemingly endless hours of work that comes with no thanks. Trying to get it all done, in the midst of the screaming.

Through my clinched jaw and aching back, I question God. 

"Really, Lord? You had me leave full-time ministry to stand here and wash bottles while listening to an unrepentant non-napper scream at the top of his lungs? I thought we had a good thing going at the church. I don't understand why you would call me home to this. I'm tired. I need a break. Why this? I wanted to go back to work."

After Rowan has napped, I hear him making a bit of noise. Tired and a little grouchy, I walk to the edge of his crib and lean over. Just then, God gently answered my question. Rowan catches sight of me and smiles a big, toothless smile and squeals in delight. 

"That's why," God says. 

I stand paralyzed in fear in the front entryway of the house.

Clutched between sweaty palms, I hold the next round of bills that need to be paid this month. Electric, water and gas, all at once. With the dwindling dollar amount of our bank account burned into my memory, I open the envelopes. I'm scared. I have no idea how we're going to pay for these. Not only do we need to pay bills, but Erik's motorcycle needs new tires. Badly. He can't keep driving it like that, it's not safe. What are we going to do? We can't pay bills and pay for new tires in the same month. I don't even know if we can pay the bills alone. 

Through shaking hands and fear in my eyes, I question God.

"Really, Lord? We were doing okay when I was working. We weren't rolling in the money, but we could pay all of our bills without worrying. We had a bit of spare money to pay for things like new tires. But, you called me back home. Now, I'm not sure if Erik will ever get to ride the motorcycle again. There's no way we can afford this right now. We were doing great when I was bringing home a paycheck, too."

After setting the bills on the counter, I sift through the rest of the mail. What looks like another bill from my doctor's office sits in the pile. "Crap," I think. "Another one." I open up the envelope in fear, imagining I'd find another medical bill to add to the pile. God gently responded to my questioning. Instead, I stand speechless as I hold a check for $400 with a note that says somewhere throughout the pregnancy, we had overpaid. They were reimbursing us. Erik's tires would have cost almost $400 altogether. 

"I've got you covered," God says.

I sit in anger on the couch. 

Alone again, Erik is out of town for work. I'm tired, I've been taking care of Rowan a lot on my own lately. I'm angry. I want my husband home. I'm lonely. None of my friends can come over to hang out in the middle of the day, they all have jobs. Rowan isn't napping well and I just want someone to help me out. Sometimes, mom needs a break too. I get angry at Erik from a distance, believing the lie that tells me he is putting his career over his family. I start to cry.

Through quiet tears of anger, I question God.

"Really, Lord? Why in the world are we still stuck with Erik in this job. He doesn't get paid enough to work as hard & long as he does. He's away from his family too much. I need him home, but for some reason, you've put it on his heart that he needs to stick this out. Well, you know what? I think it's a crappy idea. He travels too much, we have to leave our home for the summer to live in a crappy small town in southern Oregon, we'll have no friends & I'll never see him." And then it came... what I was trying to say. How my heart really felt. "I don't trust You."

It's a Sunday night, and Erik returns home after a four day trip to Seattle for work. I'm still a little angry, and I'm feeling a little heartbroken from being alone for so long. He walks upstairs into the TV room where I sit watching a movie. He smiles at me, handsomely standing there in his blue shirt and slacks. God gently responded to my distrust. "I'm home," Erik says. I stand to give him a hug and a kiss. He holds me tight. I look into his eyes and through them, I am reassured.

"You can trust him. You can trust me," God says.

God is gentle with me. He's kind. He's honest and He's resilient. He can take my abuse, my questioning and distrust. And through his kindness and faithfulness, I am humbled by him and made aware of my behavior. Today, I have many things to be thankful for, even though I fall so short when it comes to being faithful to God. 

What are you thankful for this Thursday?

11. The gentle touch of his hand on my back when I roll over in bed.

12. Little feet that kick and bend when I'm trying to put them into pijamas.

13. The beautiful pages of a new Bible, waiting to be worn with love.

14. The calming sound of rain dripping through the drain pipe.

15. Blooming cherry blossoms in March. 

16. Tiny fingers that try to hold the bottle on his own.

17. The relaxing sensation that only comes with a mug of hot tea.

18. Ben & Jerry's "Half Baked" Frozen Yogurt.

19. Sore hands and feet after a day spent cleaning the house.

20. God's gentleness in the face of my unfaithfulness.