Lisa Leonard Giveaway!

Hey friends! So, I have something really exciting for you to participate in. I know, it's another giveaway. But, you know how I feel about giveaways here at The Outdoor Wife. I like doing giveaways as a blessing to you!

So, without further ado, I would like to introduce you to the lovely and incomparably talented 

Lisa Leonard!

Lisa is a wife, a mom to two little boys, a blogger and a jewelry designer. She also hails from the West Coast, so being awesome is a given. She started designing jewelry when she was in high school, but turned it into a business after her second son was born so she could stay home with her two boys.

What I love about Lisa's pieces is that each one has meaning and each one is beautiful. Lisa says in her bio on her website that she wanted to "create simple, lovely pieces that can be worn with jeans or your little black dress." I really love this, because that's exactly the type of jewelry that I adore. Everyday pieces that can be worn at anytime, but also have lots of beauty and originality.

Go to her store and check out some of her amazing work! I picked this one for myself!

Now for the super fun part. 

Lisa has been kind and gracious enough to offer one of her pieces as a giveaway here at The Outdoor Wife! And not just ANY piece, mind you. But one of her newly-designed Vintage Frames necklaces!

Aren't they beautiful? So simple and elegant. Love it! 

You have a chance to win a Vintage Frame necklace of your own, custom made with the initial of your choice! 

All you have to do is:

Go to Lisa's store and pick out your favorite piece. Come back here and leave a comment, telling me your choice!

For additional entries, you can:

1. Tweet about this giveaway

2. Blog about this giveaway

Make sure you leave a comment for each possible entry.

This giveaway will last until Thursday night (April 1) at midnight PST. I'll announce the winner on Friday.

GOOD LUCK!

beauty & aging

A few weeks ago, I was in the process of straightening out my curls and waves with my hair straightener. I was separating out a large section from around my temple and behind my ear when I saw something a little different. Several hairs... about 10 or so... seemed MUCH lighter than the rest of my brown hair. I leaned over the bathroom counter to push my head closer to the mirror. "That's strange, I haven't had highlights in years," I thought to myself. The texture of those hairs was a little different, too. Thicker than the rest. I took one of the hairs and gently wrapped it around my index finger a couple of times. After I confirmed its firm placement, I gave it a good yank, pulling the hair out of my head straight from the root. I unwrapped it, straightened it out between the fingers of my two hands and looked at it intently.

"You've got to be kidding me," I said to myself out loud. 

Yes, indeed, my friends. That hair was as grey as the Portland skies in the wintertime.

I couldn't believe it. I really, honestly, could NOT believe that I had grey hairs already. And not just one, but several grey hairs. My heart started to beat a little faster. My mind went racing and I couldn't stop thinking about it for days. I was obsessed over the fact that I had grey hairs growing on my precious scalp, amongst the rest of my hair that everyone has always complimented. 

"I'm only 27 years old. I'm too young for grey hair," I told myself over and over again.

I immediately made a hair appointment with Jena, my beloved stylist with whom I trust my locks of shiny brown goodness. I was going to see her in a few days' time. Good timing, I needed a hair cut anyway. 

In those few days in between, I thought deeply about my new discovery. I thought about why I wanted to color over the grey... my proof that I'm getting older. I'm not sure why, but something about coloring my hair... I didn't feel right about it. So, I gave in to my gut instinct and changed my appointment from a cut AND color to just a hair cut. 

Even though they were much shorter after the implementation of my sassy new haircut, the grey hairs were still there... both on and in my head. Why was I obsessing about this so much? 

A week later, Erik and I went to have dinner with our friends, the Nelson family. Kurt and Donna are an amazing couple. They've raised two grown kids who are close to my age, and Donna recently fought and won a battle against breast cancer... albeit after a double mastectomy. 

We were sitting around their dinner table enjoying an amazing pasta dish and good red wine. Donna was holding Rowan - talking to him and snuggling him. Rowan, of course, reached for a fist-full of Donna's grey, shoulder-length hair. She chuckled at him and opened his fingers to release the hairs from his grasp. 

In the middle of this little moment, Donna looked at Rowan through her cute green-framed glasses with a smile and said, "Hey there, don't take my hair out! I've earned every single one of those grey hairs!"

We all chuckled, but my mind was already turning its wheels.

What if, instead of being so afraid of the grey, we actually took a different posture towards aging and beauty? Things would be radically different, wouldn't they? The beauty industry would never embrace such a thing, nor would Hollywood. If it doesn't make us look younger & more beautiful by the world's standards, it's not a good thing. Even though I had a loving mother who always told me that real beauty was held in my heart, I was not isolated from the Cover Girl ads, or the Victoria's Secret catalogs, or the Pantene Pro-V commercials. The idea that beauty was held strictly in my appearance had dug its heels into my mind over the course of several years.

What if we allowed something else to define our beauty? 

Instead of coloring our hair to cover up the proof of inevitability, why not embrace it? Why not think about earning every one of those grey hairs? 

Donna has raised two amazing kids of her own. She's maintained a phenomenal marriage to a great guy. She's taught & molded hundreds of children in public schools. She battled and won a fight against cancer. She has lived life, and she has lived it fully! Donna has absolutely earned every single grey hair on her beautiful head.

I haven't lived as much life as Donna, nor have I accomplished nearly as much as she has. But I'm only 27 years old. But, I have survived a lot in my short lifetime. I've come a long way in 27 years! 

Instead of hiding it with semi-permanent color, I'm going to embrace the grey. 

I'm proud to say that at the tender age of 27 years, I've earned a few grey hairs of my own.

______________________

I saw this video at a women's event at my church. Take a look, and tell me what you think. 

on missing him.

He's away again. Away from home. Away from me.

The ache in my chest and the dampening of my eyes remind me of my heart's desire to always be near to him.

He slept next to the river last night, camped amongst the pine needles and frost, with a fire working to keep his hands warm. Despite its persuasive flames, his hands likely remained cold. His hands are always cold.

He'll wake up next to the river this morning, wrapped in a tight cocoon of down feathers and GoreTex. The sounds of the river will wake him, water dripping slowly over rocks, and the small pattering of rain on the roof of his tent will heighten his senses. He'll roll over and reach for his well-worn Bible, held together by the restriction of a rubber band. He'll open it's pages and read out of James, allowing himself to be instructed on how to better obey his Father. His heart and spirit overflow with the breathing-in of forest mist and air. He's a student. He's a disciple.

He'll spend a day on the river, grasping hands and ropes in the midst of rushing rapids, being trained even further to save a life in the harsh moments of potential crises. The strength of his arms will be tried and tested, reaching into icy waters, pulling others ashore from stranded rocks and rafts. He comes alive when his body is pushed, pulled and pumped full of adrenaline. He's an athlete. He's a warrior.

He'll eat next to the river, with others who also chose to push themselves further into the realm of lifesaving within the river's rapids. He'll sit in the lodge with those around him, being warmed by an old wood stove in the center of a wooden room. He'll enjoy the company and home-cooked food and he'll speak words of encouragement and kindness, strength and truth. He's a friend. He's a mentor. He's a leader.

He'll fall asleep next to the river again, curling himself onto his side beneath the orange fabric of his tent. He'll lie awake for a few moments and I know he'll think of me. He'll think of my face, my touch, my embrace. He'll think of Rowan, with his tiny hands and the way they eagerly grab his own feet. He'll think of how fast he's grown. He'll think of us fondly and he'll long for our comfort. He's a husband. He's a father.

Although my eyelids sting from the tears of missing him, I know he'll come home to me. He'll come home full of life, love and renewal. The days that he'll spend on the river will seep into his skin and bones, then, he'll arrive feeling more connected to our God than when he left. And when he returns to me, he'll guide me and lead me closer to Him... as he always does.

He's away again. Away from home. Away from me.

But he'll return soon, in three days' time.

Thankful on a Thursday - Overwhelmed.

I

've been overwhelmed lately.

I've been overwhelmed by a burdening sense of perfectionism. 

I need to be the perfect woman. The perfect stay at home wife and mother. If my husband is going to bust his butt at his job all day, you better believe that I'll do the same. Therefore, my house must be perfectly clean at all times. So help me God if the laundry basket still has clothes in it. Our son should be happy and smiling every minute that he's awake. Dishes in the sink? Not in my house! 

I need to be the perfect wife to my husband. I can't let him see that our impending six-month move is affecting me in any way. I certainly can't let him see that I'm sad about it or worried that the loneliness will consume me once we settle into our rental house, 240 miles away from our community of friends and support here in Portland. Because, if I'm the perfect wife, those things won't affect me at all, right? I mean "home is where the heart is" and that should be wherever my family happens to be. It would be imperfect of me to worry and have any sense of distrust. 

I need to be the perfect writer. I can't just write to write. If I'm going to say something, it needs to be intentional and it needs to be perfect. If my purpose is to encourage other women, I certainly can't just throw anything out into the blogosphere and expect people to read. Oh, and of course I need to write every day. That's crucial to my perfection. I can't let housework, my kid or my marriage get in the way, so I also need to be perfect with my time management. 

And of course, I also need to be the perfect Christian woman. Humble, soft-spoken, gentle, kind, compassionate... making time to read & study God's word every day. I need to always have a desire to learn and grow. Laziness and apathy are never an option. I need to see God in everything, everywhere through everyone. 

Honestly, who can function under that kind of pressure?

Perfection is like a mountain that's impossible to climb.

It's astonishing how quickly I can believe a lie. I need to be perfect. Really? Says who? Certainly not the Lord. If I was perfect, I wouldn't need Grace. If I was perfect, I wouldn't need Christ. If I was perfect, I would BE Christ. I certainly can't claim that crown.

So, as I read through God's Word, I'm reminded of the freedom that I'm provided. Freedom from burdening myself with perfection. I was never asked to be perfect. I was only asked to follow Him. I'm deeply thankful for the freedom to do so.

What are YOU thankful for this Thursday?

31. Tiny hands and big squeals.

32. Journal pages full of questions, thoughts and prayers.

33. His strong hand on my face during a gentle kiss goodbye.

34. Meeting a new and inspiring friend. Loving an old & true friend from a distance.

35. My church. My home. My community.

36. Wearing his comfy, grey sweatpants when he's out of town.

37. A good page-turner. 

38. How this post refocused my love for Scripture.

39. Gussy Ruffles now holding my jewelry.

40. Knowing that I'm not expected to be perfect... just faithful.

an exceptional weekend.

It was a glorious and beautiful weekend here in Oregon. 

We spent the whole time outside! 

What did YOU do this weekend?

Thankful on a Thursday - God's timing is not my own.

This past week, I've been humored and puzzled by God's timing.

You've felt that, right? You feel like you've been praying for something for ages, or have sought out something for months... yet, nothing comes of your efforts. Then, out of the blue, at a seemingly inopportune time, the prayers are answered and you begin to see God's movement. 

That's been me lately. 

When I was living in Colorado, I was a part of a small group of amazing women. And when I say amazing, I mean it in every sense of the word. 

They loved Jesus. 

They chased after Him. 

They were encouraging. 

They challenged me.

It was this beautiful relationship, formed only by God's grace. We were all SO different... yet every Monday night, we came together and learned together. We shared our lives and our hearts. This group changed the way that I felt about women. 

Since Erik and I moved to Portland over three years ago, I've prayed fervently for a group of women that I could lean into, learn from and share my life with, just like that life-changing group in Colorado. My heart and spirit have craved it, and craved it deeply. 

Only recently has God started to move, which is why I'm puzzled. In just a short month and a half, Erik and I are moving away from Portland for six months to run the rafting company in southern Oregon. So, someone tell me, why in the world would the Lord start putting substantial women in my life right before I leave? Why now? I mean, I'm beyond moved and amazed at how God has fulfilled that desire in my heart, but... really? Now? Could it not have waited until we moved down there? 

Those have been my thoughts for the past week. But, after thinking, praying and pondering... 

I've decided to stop wondering why, and just say "thank you" to the Lord for listening. 

What are you thankful for this Thursday?

21. Good & honest conversation with good & honest women.

22. Bluebird mornings.

23. Breakfast for dinner.

24. Handwritten notes with words of deep encouragement.

25. Daffodils in every front yard on out street.

26. Taking a great picture.

27. Big, gummy smiles.

28. Snuggling into a fluffy couch after a busy day.

29. Holding hands while watching a movie.

30. God's timing.

motivation: q&a about this blog

A few days ago, I was chatting with a dear friend. We started talking about my efforts here at The Outdoor Wife, and she asked some really good questions that I think need to be addressed. She's a true friend and always seems to get to the root of my heart and motivations. I'm blessed to know her, but MAN she can give a butt-kicking when I need it!

Anyway, I think I need to answer those questions here, out loud, for everyone to read. It seems that everyone has a voice & opinion on the subject of blogging, so I thought I'd offer up my thoughts on why I decided to start this one. I'll post the questions that my friend asked, along with some others that I've been asked through different venues, and also questions that I've pondered in my own heart.


Why did you start a blog, anyway?
To be honest, I started it initially because I felt like I had a story to tell. Is my story better than anyone else's? Of course not. In fact, I think we all have stories of life, love and transformation, and I would hope that everyone would find a way to share their own. This seemed the best way for me to share my own story of what I've been through, how I'm being changed now, and where I'm headed. I knew that what the Lord has been doing in my life could be encouraging to other women, so I felt compelled to write and share. So, I guess that's the main reason why I started this. To encourage other women to experience deeper intimacy with Christ through my own story and experiences, and to encourage women to live out their own story, live a life of adventure, and try something new.

So are you what people would call a mommy-blogger?
I'm not sure how to answer that. My initial instinct would be to say "no." But, I am a mommy and I do have a blog, so if that is what makes me a "mommy blogger" than yes, I suppose I am. However, here on this blog, you won't find many pictures of my son, you'd be hard-pressed to find anecdotes about diapering, feeding and parenting, and if I'm going to review products, it most likely won't be for car seats, swings and bottles... but rather for hiking boots, skis and tents. You won't find links to vote for me in "Top Mommy Blogs" or "Top Baby Blogs" either. But, I understand that a lot of women who join me here are moms, so I try to offer up stories and information that's helpful and encouraging to all women, no matter their stage in life. I think I'm more of a woman-blogger. It's a little more all-encompassing.

If your sole purpose for this blog is to be used for encouragement and information, then why do you Tweet about it and try to draw people here? 
That's a great question. I tweet about my posts here because I believe in the power of personal experience and story. If there is even a remote chance that what I'm learning from God can be useful or encouraging to someone else out there, I feel compelled to share it and spread the word. Being vulnerable and honest about my own personal transformation isn't something that comes easily to me, but I'm learning & being encouraged by a lot of people in my life to keep going, to keep writing. So, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing, and just pray that what I write here would be used for good.

Are your website analytics more important to you than you lead people to believe?
As for this question, I won't lie, I have Google Analytics installed into the code of my blog so I can track visits and learn more about where my visitors are from (I had a couple hits from IRAN! Can you believe it?!) Do I really care about how many hits I get in a day? Not really. What I DO care about is what people gain by visiting. I'm not here to play devil's advocate, to stir the pot, or to talk about the latest controversy hitting the blogosphere. I'm not saying those things are bad, they're just not my purpose here. My goal is to lift up, encourage, and speak truth. If that's what people leave with, then I've done my job.

And you want to know something interesting? The post that usually gets the most visits every week is "Thankful on a Thursday." Maybe people just want to be encouraged, lifted up and reminded of the good in life?

What about giveaways? Those are usually just to promote your brand and create traffic. If you don't care about hits, why do them?
Ah. This is an easy one to answer. You know why I do giveaways? Because chances are, there are other women out there like me who just can't afford little luxuries right now. They've given up a second income to stay home with their kid. They just lost their job due to budget cuts. They're the typical broke college student. I know how that feels and I know it deeply. I would LOVE to be able to buy little things for myself, like a cute ruffly bag from Gussy, or new stationery from My Little Buffalo. But, our bank account just won't allow for those things right now, at least without some kind of discount or a chance to win them for free. So, I offer giveaways as a blessing to those women who just can't afford something pretty & nice for themselves right now. If it brings more visitors here, fine. But, I hope they walk away with something more than just an entry to a giveaway contest.

What about money-making with this blog? Do you make money? Do you want to make money?
No, I don't make a dime of money from writing here. Not one penny! I don't have any affiliate links or sponsor buttons on my sidebar. Any link that you see here is because I enjoy the site and I want to share it, and any products that I review are because I already own them and I wasn't given a freebie. For example, I just posted a gear list yesterday. They are all items that I own, recommend and love. After each item, there's a link where you can purchase that piece... I do NOT get any money or promotion from you clicking that link and purchasing that product. I simply offer it for your shopping convenience.

As for the second question, I don't have any intention of making money with this blog. I'm not seeking out ways to create revenue and I'm not pursuing partnerships with companies or other blogs that I enjoy. However, just because I'm not pursuing those, doesn't mean I'm not open to it. If I was approached and asked for ad space, or if someone wanted to partner with me that would eventually lead to a stream of income, I can't say that I'd decline the offer. I mean, you know how life can get, right? Living on one income is HARD! A little extra cash can go a long way in our house! However, I never want money or income to be the driving force behind why I write what I do. My motivation is simple: the readers who visit. 


Alright, friends. That just about covers it. Of course, if you have any other questions for me regarding my motivations here, don't hesitate to ask. I want to be open and honest about the goings-on of The Outdoor Wife. I don't want you to feel like you're just a byproduct of some master plan to take over the world. Your lives and hearts, as well as my own, are the reasons I write what I do here. I hope you're lifted and touched every time you visit.

A GUSSY Special!

Happy Saint Patrick's Day, everyone!

For those of you who don't know her, let me introduce you to Gussy.

Isn't she adorably beautiful? Check out those EYELASHES! Seriously. 

And these, my dear friends, are the legendary Gussy ruffles:

Her ruffles match her beauty, huh? Yeah, I thought you'd agree. 

Well, for all of you wonderful readers of The Outdoor Wife, Gussy is blessing us with 

15% OFF YOUR ORDER FROM NOW UNTIL FRIDAY NIGHT!

All you need to do is enter "theoutdoorwife" at checkout to redeem this amazing deal! I'm excited to order my new large zipped pouch. What are you going to order from her shop?

Thanks so much, Gussy!
Don't forget, this offer is only good for today, tomorrow and Friday!

The Outdoor Wife's Gear List #1

Over the past few weeks, I've gotten emails, messages and tweets asking me what jacket to buy, what my favorite pair of shoes are to hike in, where to buy a good tent... the questions have seemed endless! It seems needed and helpful, so I'm happy to start listing off a few of my favorite things to use when I'm in the outdoors.

Let me first say that when I invest in gear or equipment to use in the outdoors, I do a LOT of research, I buy from companies that I trust and enjoy, and I always spend more money on gear than anything else. I prefer to make a bigger initial investment in something that will last me a long time, rather than buy something on the cheap that I'll have to replace by the next upcoming season. So, while some of these items seem a little steep in price, I can guarantee from my end that I have never regretted making the purchase, the item I purchased is great quality and I'll be using it continually in the years to come.

Without further ado, here's the first installment of
The Outdoor Wife's Gear List:

1. Patagonia Women's Integral Jacket (on sale for $91)

This jacket has proven to be a great purchase. My mom bought this one for my birthday. I was on the hunt for a new lightweight, partially-windproof soft shell jacket that I could use on the cool mornings and evenings on the river in southern Oregon this summer. I wanted something durable and functional, but I didn't want to give up style or appearance, either. So many jackets are bulky and very unflattering on a woman's body. Not so with the Integral Jacket. Patagonia nailed it with this one. It's incredibly flattering with darker-colored darts on the ribs, a feminine cut, and it's a bit longer, so it covers your belt loops and the tops of your jeans. It's comfortable with good use of pockets, and it's been great in the wind and rain here in Portland. There are zippers on the cuffs of the sleeves to draw in the sleeve closer to your wrist if needed, and there are wrist guards on the interior of the cuff, which is great for wearing gloves. Overall, I can't recommend this jacket enough. It's currently on sale at Patagonia, too! Click here to purchase online.

2. Chaco Z2 Sandals ($95)

If the weather is halfway decent, chances are, I'm wearing my Chaco's. These sandals are hands-down the greatest footwear investment I've ever made! I've had my pair of Z2's since my freshman year of college and they are still going strong! These shoes are great to hike in, wear on the river, or cruise around downtown. They offer great support, which is good for those who have back problems and can't wear flip-flops; they even stay on while paddling gnarly rapids. Chaco offers a great variety of different strap styles and designs, but the Z2 has always been my favorite. I really like the single strap design with the toe loop. As someone who remains very active in the summer, the toe loop is crucial - it keeps my foot from sliding too far forward when walking downhill.  Everyone has their own personal opinion about which strap style is best, but every foot is different. I highly recommend going to your local REI and trying on a pair. You'll probably walk out with them snugly strapped to your feet. And you won't ever regret the purchase. Click here to purchase online.

3. REI Camp Cup with Clip Grip ($19.50)

If there was ever a travel coffee mug to demolish all other mugs, this one would be it. REI has made a great mug that can take a real beating! Erik and I both have one of these and they have been down multiple rivers, in multiple cars and in multiple camps. They have been thrown, dropped, scraped, and nearly run over. Yet, the mug remains and only the outside is scratched. The double wall stainless steel keeps your coffee hot longer than any other I've owned. That's a huge plus for me. The other nifty factor is the carabiner handle. There's a clip at the bottom which allows you to clip the mug onto your backpack, laptop bag, or drybag with ease. It makes it readily available at anytime! There's also a no-slip grip on the bottom which keeps it from sliding off the table... or the top of your car... wherever this bad boy finds itself. Click here to purchase online.

4. Sigg Lifestyle Water Bottle ($21.99)

I've always been a Nalgene fan. I had four in my possession at one time, I think. But then, I was introduced to this water bottle from Sigg, a Swiss company specializing in lightweight aluminum bottles. And when they say lightweight, they aren't lying. After packing one of these instead of a Nalgene, I swore I'd never go back. They're crafted from a single piece of aluminum and the interior is finished with an eco-friendly liner that is resistent to every type of beverage. Which means, you can put hot coffee in this water bottle, then rinse it out, and it won't taste like coffee at all in your next drink. Backpacker Magazine recently named this product the "World's Toughest Water Bottle." That was enough to get me excited! Not only do they have multiple sizes and lids, but they also make water bottles specially-designed for kids! Go check them out, you'll never use a Lexan product again.

Click here to purchase online.

Alright friends, that should tide you over for a little while, right? :) I'll post more of my favorites next week! 

DISCLAIMER:  I was not compensated in any form for reviewing the products above. I also receive no compensation for the links provided for your purchasing convenience! 

Thankful on a Thursday - God is Gentle.

Sometimes, I question God. 

Whether it's through the mechanisms of anger, frustration or fear... I question His motives, His Word and the calling that He's placed on me.

I stand frustrated at the sink.

I'm washing bottles, again. I have our little TV monitor perched on the countertop so I can see Rowan's progression towards his nap. He's not sleeping. He's screaming. I'm aware that I could go upstairs, wrap him in the swaddle that we're trying to break him of, and he'd go right to sleep. The cries coming from the little speaker make every hair on my body stand on end. I can't take it anymore. My back hurts. I feel like I spend hours at this sink. Bottles, dirty dishes, preparing dinner. Seemingly endless hours of work that comes with no thanks. Trying to get it all done, in the midst of the screaming.

Through my clinched jaw and aching back, I question God. 

"Really, Lord? You had me leave full-time ministry to stand here and wash bottles while listening to an unrepentant non-napper scream at the top of his lungs? I thought we had a good thing going at the church. I don't understand why you would call me home to this. I'm tired. I need a break. Why this? I wanted to go back to work."

After Rowan has napped, I hear him making a bit of noise. Tired and a little grouchy, I walk to the edge of his crib and lean over. Just then, God gently answered my question. Rowan catches sight of me and smiles a big, toothless smile and squeals in delight. 

"That's why," God says. 

I stand paralyzed in fear in the front entryway of the house.

Clutched between sweaty palms, I hold the next round of bills that need to be paid this month. Electric, water and gas, all at once. With the dwindling dollar amount of our bank account burned into my memory, I open the envelopes. I'm scared. I have no idea how we're going to pay for these. Not only do we need to pay bills, but Erik's motorcycle needs new tires. Badly. He can't keep driving it like that, it's not safe. What are we going to do? We can't pay bills and pay for new tires in the same month. I don't even know if we can pay the bills alone. 

Through shaking hands and fear in my eyes, I question God.

"Really, Lord? We were doing okay when I was working. We weren't rolling in the money, but we could pay all of our bills without worrying. We had a bit of spare money to pay for things like new tires. But, you called me back home. Now, I'm not sure if Erik will ever get to ride the motorcycle again. There's no way we can afford this right now. We were doing great when I was bringing home a paycheck, too."

After setting the bills on the counter, I sift through the rest of the mail. What looks like another bill from my doctor's office sits in the pile. "Crap," I think. "Another one." I open up the envelope in fear, imagining I'd find another medical bill to add to the pile. God gently responded to my questioning. Instead, I stand speechless as I hold a check for $400 with a note that says somewhere throughout the pregnancy, we had overpaid. They were reimbursing us. Erik's tires would have cost almost $400 altogether. 

"I've got you covered," God says.

I sit in anger on the couch. 

Alone again, Erik is out of town for work. I'm tired, I've been taking care of Rowan a lot on my own lately. I'm angry. I want my husband home. I'm lonely. None of my friends can come over to hang out in the middle of the day, they all have jobs. Rowan isn't napping well and I just want someone to help me out. Sometimes, mom needs a break too. I get angry at Erik from a distance, believing the lie that tells me he is putting his career over his family. I start to cry.

Through quiet tears of anger, I question God.

"Really, Lord? Why in the world are we still stuck with Erik in this job. He doesn't get paid enough to work as hard & long as he does. He's away from his family too much. I need him home, but for some reason, you've put it on his heart that he needs to stick this out. Well, you know what? I think it's a crappy idea. He travels too much, we have to leave our home for the summer to live in a crappy small town in southern Oregon, we'll have no friends & I'll never see him." And then it came... what I was trying to say. How my heart really felt. "I don't trust You."

It's a Sunday night, and Erik returns home after a four day trip to Seattle for work. I'm still a little angry, and I'm feeling a little heartbroken from being alone for so long. He walks upstairs into the TV room where I sit watching a movie. He smiles at me, handsomely standing there in his blue shirt and slacks. God gently responded to my distrust. "I'm home," Erik says. I stand to give him a hug and a kiss. He holds me tight. I look into his eyes and through them, I am reassured.

"You can trust him. You can trust me," God says.

God is gentle with me. He's kind. He's honest and He's resilient. He can take my abuse, my questioning and distrust. And through his kindness and faithfulness, I am humbled by him and made aware of my behavior. Today, I have many things to be thankful for, even though I fall so short when it comes to being faithful to God. 

What are you thankful for this Thursday?

11. The gentle touch of his hand on my back when I roll over in bed.

12. Little feet that kick and bend when I'm trying to put them into pijamas.

13. The beautiful pages of a new Bible, waiting to be worn with love.

14. The calming sound of rain dripping through the drain pipe.

15. Blooming cherry blossoms in March. 

16. Tiny fingers that try to hold the bottle on his own.

17. The relaxing sensation that only comes with a mug of hot tea.

18. Ben & Jerry's "Half Baked" Frozen Yogurt.

19. Sore hands and feet after a day spent cleaning the house.

20. God's gentleness in the face of my unfaithfulness.

Wisdom Wednesday - Plan it Out!

Imagine that it's a random Saturday morning in our house... we've talked about going hiking all week, but we never got a plan nailed down. So, we wake up a little later than usual, lounge around in our pijamas and drink coffee while lingering on the couch... and before we know it, it's noon!

NO! We wanted to go hiking! It's much too late to get everything together, pick a trail & head out into the Gorge.

This actually happens more than we'd like to admit around here. We always have the best intentions of going out and doing something new, but we never take the time during the week to plan it out. Or, we forget to get things together the night before. Or, we just don't set our alarms.

It's the classic case of NOT planning out your trip in advance. Chances are, this has happened to you, too. When you have a kid to take with you, it's even more imperative that you take the time to plan out your activity and spend the time preparing for the trip! Here's a couple pointers that will help you avoid the lolligagging and lingering!

1. Take time during the week to do research:  Where are you going to go? How far of a trip will it be away from the house? Do you have the money squared away for gas & food? Should you get to the gym this week to prepare (if it's more strenuous)? 
2. Make plans with friends - the earlier the better: If you plan on going out with some friends, make sure they're on board with the activity and time. The sooner you can get this nailed down with all of the details, the less frustrated everyone will be! Also, going with other people will help you stick to your own agenda! You're less likely to flake out if others have agreed to join you!
3. Get gear prepared the night before: Enjoying the outdoors can sometimes require certain gear, and if you have kids, the amount of gear nearly doubles! Do yourself a favor and skip the night out with friends the night before in order to prepare for your outing the next day. Get everything you'll need ready to go, and pack what you can in the car right then! Set aside everything you'll need for junior, too. Thinking through your list will help assure that you don't forget anything important. I know that I ALWAYS forget something when I'm rushed!

What are you planning to do this weekend?

Giveaway WINNER!

Hey everyone! Thanks so much for participating in my first-ever giveaway! I'm so grateful that you guys all visited and checked out Lisa from My Little Buffalo. 

However, only one person can win the Tree Print and that winner is:

SHANDELL!

Congratulations! Send me an email and we'll get details squared away.

Inked: Part 5

Part 5 takes place on Saturday, February 27th.

I'm sitting in the tattoo parlor, waiting for my appointment. I have my pictures & design inspirations clutched between my fingers on sheets of thin & folded computer paper. I was waiting to get inked. Marked with a permanent reminder of the journey I went through to bring Rowan into the world. Marked with a reminder that I came out stronger with a deeper-rooted faith than before. Marked with a reminder of my son, the ultimate, unimaginable blessing.

My name was called. I stood up and shakily handed my ideas to Eli, the very tall Italian artist with tattoos behind his ears and under his chin. I showed him where I wanted my art to go. He looked them over and said "I know just the thing. Let me go draw something up and we'll go from there, okay?" I nodded silently. He smiled.

The lobby was crowded now, full of young college girls looking through drawings of stars and flowers. I looked down at my foot, which had unknowingly slipped out of my black flat. There was that star... that little blue star I had chosen when I was eighteen and ridiculous. This next one was going to be different. Much different. I've come a long way since then.

Eli came out with a drawing etched on a small piece of paper. He handed it to me and asked, "What do you think?" I cradled it in my palm. It was delicate. Feminine. Beautiful. But it was powerful, bold and much bigger than I originally thought I would get.

"It's perfect." I replied with a big smile and wide eyes. He smiled back, knowing he knocked it out of the park. "Killer. Let's get you tatted!" Rubbing his hands together in anticipation, he motioned with a nudge of his head to follow him.

I followed him back to his work station where another artist was working on a full-sleeve tattoo on a young girl about half my age and size. He had a seat ready for me, with a padded arm rest. He got all of his tools together and placed the stencil where I wanted it to go. He had me look at it once again and I was ready.

"Alright, here we go." The high-pitched motor of the needle was unnerving at first, but I got used to the sound. He started to tattoo me. It didn't hurt nearly as bad as I remembered. Perhaps my pain tolerance has escalated since I was eighteen. Eli asked how I was doing, and I looked down at my wrist and replied "Great! How are you?" He laughed. He told me I wasn't what he expected.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, with a little bit of attitude behind it.

"I don't know, you just seemed like a nice quiet girl, not used to this kind of pain. I figured you'd have a hard time." He shrugged.

"Well, I've taken quite a physical and emotional beating over the last year. I guess I'm tougher than I look." I smiled.

Eli said with a smile, "It would appear so. What'd you go through that was so bad?"

At this point, I dove into my story while he worked on my tattoo. He kept pausing and looking up at me, mouth open at points of the story. I explained everything. The whole story from start to finish, in about 25 minutes of time. I explained that I was getting this tattoo because of that story.

Before I knew it, he was finished. He stopped and looked at me straight in the eyes and said "Girl, you deserve this tattoo. I hope it's what you wanted."

I looked down at my new art. It was perfect. He wrapped it up and gave me care instructions. I thanked him profusely for his work. I promised him I'd refer everyone I knew to him. He shook my hand and said "No, thank you. You've got a hell of a story. You should tell it."

I smiled, nodded, thanked him again, and walked out.

________________

So what did I get tattooed? I got a tree on the inside of my wrist. A tree that, in my mind, has deep roots. A tree that has strength and perseverance. It's a symbol of life. A tree is also able to bring forth life. And of course, "Rowan" is a kind of tree that you can find in the hills of Ireland and the British Isles.

So, I thought it fitting to get marked with a reminder of my own strength & perseverance, the steadfast love and strength of my husband, the faithfulness of God who rescued me in my times of deep need & kept my son safe.

It’s a reminder that I have Rowan. My son. My joy. He is the life that I carried and brought forth, despite the seemingly impossible obstacles.

It’s a reminder that it’s my responsibility as a mother to make sure Rowan is rooted & raised in things that are true and good. It's my prayer that he would bless others with life, truth and strength.

It's a reminder that I stand a little taller now. The roots of my faith are even more entrenched.

So, I’m now inked.
I’m blessed beyond measure.
I’m thankful.
I'll try to live my life according to that gratefulness, and I'll be reminded of it every day.

Joy is blooming in Portland

Welcome to Portland! The picture above is on the waterfront next to the Steel Bridge... one of the eleven bridges in Portland city limits.

I haven't been into downtown in a couple of weeks, but I knew that the Japanese cherry blossoms planted next to the waterfront had to be in bloom. My neighbor across the street has a tree in his back yard... it bloomed this week and turned into a little explosion of pink against the back corner of his house. 

I have lived here for three and a half years now. The one thing I've always wanted to do, but have never taken the time, is go down to the waterfront park and take pictures of those trees on a bluebird day. The shades of pink and white against the green grass and blue skies is truly breathtaking. I've never ventured out to go capture the moments on camera... until today.

I got Rowan dressed & fed, packed up the camera & a blanket... we made the five-minute drive into downtown. I parked near the Hawthorne Bridge, planning to take extra advantage of the extremely rare warm weather & walk the distance to the Japanese blossoms. It was almost 65 degrees in Portland today. Unheard of for this time of year, so it's more like a spring fake-out. It'll last for a day or two, then go back to cold and grey.

The warm weather brings everyone outside in this town. It's really amazing to see the walkway against the river completely packed with people, bikes and strollers. I'm a people-watcher, so this was pure gold entertainment for me!

I made the walk down to the other end of downtown, past the Saturday Market and past the children playing in the fountains in their underwear & diapers. We finally arrived at the blossoms.

Families were getting portraits taken, loved ones were laying on blankets underneath the pink trees. It was one of those days where you look around everywhere and you see joy around every corner. I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with God's presence this afternoon. A good dose of sunshine and blue skies was exactly what this town needed this week, and you could see it in the faces of everyone at the park.

The blooms were spectacular. It created a full canopy of pink over the green grass. I've never seen anything quite like it and it was an afternoon that I'll remember for quite some time. I'll let the pictures speak for themselves:

I hope you experienced Him today, too.

Have a beautiful Saturday, friends.

My first GIVEAWAY!

Hey everyone! 

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Lisa. 

Lisa is absolutely lovely. Seriously. I love this girl. We worked together on staff at church before I had Rowan, and I don't think I had a single day where she didn't say something that made me laugh. 

A ray of sunshine, that girl. 

Lisa is also a very talented graphic designer. She designs stationery, greeting cards, and everything in between! Many of you have mentioned how much you like my blog header and buttons. Well, I have Lisa to thank for that! She also custom-designed some artwork for my son's nursery. 

Lisa's design business is called My Little Buffalo, and you can buy all of her deliciously cute paper goods through her Etsy store! You can also see some new stuff she's working on at her blog. 

She makes amazing stuff...

...and I'm giving one of her prints away! 

Look at this adorable multi-colored tree! (click on the image to see it larger)

It's like bringing a little piece of the outdoors into your home. 

I absolutely love it (and I'm kinda jealous of the person who wins it!)

This adorable piece is 5"x7" and it's printed on eco-friendly linen card stock.

It would add a nice outdoorsy touch to any room of the house! 

Here's how to enter:

• Go to Lisa's store and look through her stuff. Come back here and tell me which item is your favorite in the comments to this post.

For additional entries, you can do the following:

• Tweet about this giveaway, mentioning @theoutdoorwife AND @mylittlebuffalo 
• Follow me on Twitter.
• Follow Lisa on Twitter.
• Subscribe to my blog.
• Blog about this giveaway.

*please enter each entry as a separate comment*

Entries will close on Sunday at midnight and I'll pick a winner on Monday morning!

Good Luck!

Inked: Part 4

Picture of Rowan is courtesy of Sarah Budd over at Sarah Grace Photography

Part 4 begins three weeks after Rowan was born. 

All of the family that came to visit had left. Thanksgiving came and went. Erik left for a conference he had to attend in Reno.

And this is where I lost control.

I had been experiencing pretty negative feelings leading up to this point, but it all came to a head one night while Erik was gone. In the weeks prior to my breaking point, I felt suffocated by guilt. I felt like a failure as a mother. As a wife. I don't know why or how it all started, and doctors say there's no rhyme or reason to it, it just happens to some women. But the guilt, pressure and feeling like I was out of control of my emotions had finally caught up to me. For as long as I live, I'll never forget that dark night.

I had finally achieved sleep with Rowan... he was quiet in his Moses basket in our bedroom. I'm not sure of the thought process that led to that moment, but I remember sitting on my bathroom floor with about 30 different pain pills in my hand, ready to take them all in a single swallow. I was crying uncontrollably. I couldn't handle the feelings anymore. I felt so guilty for feeling the way I did. I wanted everything to end. I had somehow convinced myself that Erik and Rowan would be better off without me around.

I'm now convinced that the Lord rescued me in that moment. Somehow, I snapped out of the black vortex of guilt and stared intently at the pills in my hand. My mouth dropped open. What was I doing?! What was I thinking?! I dropped the pills. They scattered all over the cold tiles on the floor. I cried some more.

Erik came home a couple of days later. We were in our room, getting ready for bed. I picked up the bottles of pain medication off our bathroom counter and handed them to him. I said, "It's probably best if you take these." Immediately thinking about his family's history with addiction, he asked me "Are you having a problem with these?" I responded, "Not the kind of problem you're thinking about." I started to cry. "I had them all in my hand the other night. I was ready to take them. I'm not safe around them." He held me... much tighter than usual. He spent the rest of that night holding me, making sure I was always at arm's-reach.

I called a therapist & my doctor the next morning.

My diagnosis was obvious. Severe postpartum depression. At least the black vortex from hell now had a name to it.

There's not much to say except that I battled for three long, painful and excruciating months.

Erik, like the incredible pillar of strength that he is, took all of the abuse in stride. I would say horrible things when I was in my vortex. I would lash out. I would cry. I was inconsolable. I was stricken and paralyzed with guilt. But we pressed on and we did it together. Most of the time, I needed to be pushed and pulled. Before long, I was able to detach myself from the PPD. I could speak about it objectively in the moments I was feeling normal. I put defenses in place to help me avoid bad moments. I had a support system... a small and intimate one, but worth their weight in gold.

I battled hard. I worked through a lot in my therapy sessions. I talked about the depression, even though I never wanted to. My friends were relentless in their care and concern. It took a lot of love, a lot of understanding, and an overflow of God's faithfulness to get me through the darkest time of my life.

My darker moments of anger and guilt became less and less with each small step I made towards recovery. Slowly, but very surely, I was starting to gain back what was lost in the darkness: Hope.

Hope and reassurance started to return with every shuffle, with every gentle push from Erik, with every loving pull from my friends.

Then, it was right before Valentine's Day. My therapist said, "You have made a full and remarkable recovery."

I shared the news with my closest friends. One of them asked me how I felt. I said "Free. Healed. Rescued."

She replied. "Praise God. Amen."

Amen, indeed.



NOTE: I am not a therapist or physician. But if you would like to talk about postpartum depression, I am always happy to offer encouragement and share more about my own experience.

Thankful on a Thursday.

      

Back in high school, I was part of a tight-knit group of four. The other three were friends long before I came around, but they welcomed me with open arms and a love for choir music. Oh yes. Yours truly was a choir geek. AND an orchestra geek, too. My geekyness was balanced out with years serving in student government and playing varsity sports, so I did have street cred somewhere.

Anyway, the four of us were pretty inseparable my senior year of high school. Two of us had serious boyfriends and two of us spent hours pining after guys who would never look our direction. We sang in the car. We toilet-papered people's houses. We screamed our heads off at football games. We debated the pros and cons of whether we'd have kids one day. We fought intensely and fiercely during the weeks that UNC, Duke and NC State would play basketball against each other. We freaked out together when we got our college acceptance letters. They taught me the rules of wearing makeup. We were your classic case of goofy, awesome and hilarious high school misfit besties. And wouldn't you know it, but one of those girls was Blair.  Yes.  Of Heir to Blair fame.  That very one.

I was thinking back on that year of high school and was reminded of these posters that we created called "Happy Lists." We would go to the grocery store around the corner from my house and buy big honkin' pieces of poster board. Then, we'd buy the Titanic-sized pack of Crayola markers. After that, we'd sit on the hoods of our cars in front of Blair's house and write out everything we could think of that made us happy. We'd spend hours on these beasts... making sure that all of the words were completely even, using our most crafty and spiffy handwriting. Every item that we wrote down was in a different color. After our monolithic lists were complete, they would hang in our bedrooms. Mine hung on the back of my bedroom door. I'm pretty sure it hung above my desk in my freshman dorm room, too.

My memory has faded since then and I regret saying that I'm not sure what started this movement (I still can't believe it was almost a decade ago. DECADE, I say).

After reminiscing about our Happy Lists, I was struck by how many things I could put on my list today... and I was deeply humbled. I'm humbled by everything the Lord has provided for me over the last 10 years. I'm humbled by the path that He has me on today and the things that he blesses me with every day. In that moment of reflection & pause, I felt a deep longing... a longing to speak thankfulness and praise with every breath. To constantly remind myself of what I have to be thankful for. To start making a list of His movement and blessings... both on paper and in my heart.

So, today I'm going to start Thankful on a Thursday. Every Thursday, I'll write out at least ten things that I'm thankful for and post them here at The Outdoor Wife. It's my prayer that you'll join me, whether on your own blog, or just in your heart. Join me in speaking words and breathing sighs of thankfulness and God's blessing.

Will you join me for Thankful on a Thursday? 

I'm thankful for...

1. The love & admiration of a faithful and strong man.
2. The little life of Rowan & his big presence.
3. The smell of coffee in the morning.
4. Blooming cherry blossoms in the heart of the city.
5. The encouragement of steadfast friends.
6. Full pages of answered prayers in my journal.
7. The way both dogs snuggle against me to stay warm in the mornings.
8. Our Netflix subscription.
9. Seasons of pause and reflection.
10. The chocolate chip pancakes we eat every Sunday morning.