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wherein i disclose my past hatred of women.

Up until my sophomore year of college, I can say that I unapologetically hated women.

I was an estrogen-loathing tomboy who saw absolutely no value in having my particular female anatomy. Being a woman was something that I despised deeply, and it caused parts of my heart to grow dark and cage itself in steel. Women were way too complicated. They were dramatic, over-emotional, and calculating. Those qualities really came into view during that once-a-month sideshow we all know and despise. Most women that I knew were more worried about what color eye shadow to buy rather than the genocide happening in Sudan. Most women I knew used daggers and knives for words. The scars on my heart and mind have grown thick since then, but still have a tendency to burn upon remembrance of the unfriendly.

I eventually came to the realization that I did not know many women. Then, I met "The Group."

When I met Nancy, she was leading a small group, comprised mostly of high school youth group volunteers. I knew all of the women, since I was an intern at the local church for the high school ministry. Or should I say, I thought I knew these women. I had written them off as "just like the rest of them," simply because they wore nice jeans, cute shoes and actually cared enough to curl their hair. Little did I know, their depth and sincerity went much deeper than their designer denim.

I was very resistant at first. Nancy could probably tell you this story better than I can, but the first night I went to the group, I was asked, "Why did you decide to come to the group?" I responded, "I'm not sure. I don't particularly like women, especially in groups. I don't really know why God has me here."

But I quickly came to the realization that God, a man of few words and a refreshing sense of humor, had great plans for my time with those women. And over the next few years, He changed and molded my heart, like play dough in the hands of a two year old. Before I knew it, these women were able to see through my heart like a freshly-cleaned window. They saw the cage, the darkness, the scars. These women unlocked the cage, showed me light, and healed some deep wounds caused by many insincere and hurtful relationships. They reminded me of my value, they encouraged me to share, they spoke with clarity, vision and a deep sense of wisdom.

I realize that many of you have scars that resemble my own. I know the bitterness that lingers on your skin after another woman has scathed you with hurtful words and actions. I know what it's like to stand on the outside of a circle. It's lonely, scary and sometimes it hurts. But I'm here to tell you that there are millions of us, and there are millions of women like the women that I have grown to love... and they are aching for your presence! You bring something unique to the table. Don't be afraid to show it to the world because a group of women in your past couldn't be anything but hurtful.

If you're reading this and you're in a place of bitterness and hurt, I'm here to tell you it's time to get back on the horse, sister. You have two options here:

  1. You can keep being bitter. You can keep your gifts and talents to yourself, and bury them in the ground along with your hopes for some real girlfriends who love you and value you. 
  2. You can get up off your butt and do what God is calling you to do: be in sincere relationships with others (Acts 2:42-47).

What's your story with women? How would you rewrite it?


  1. this is a great post! Thanks for being real!! I need to get back on the horse - I have more twitter conversations than IRL girlfriends.

  2. I couldn't agree with you more. I am just now finding true friends and women in my life that truly belong there. And, God has presented them to me through trials and tribulations. And for that, I am thankful.

  3. man i love your blog. Every post just smacks me in the face and makes me realize that I do the same thing. I maybe only have two good girl friends because of hurt feelings and bitterness. I really need to work and pray about this. :)

  4. My story with women? How could I rewrite it? I couldn't it would be larger the War and Peace... and thats exactly how I feel yup... "War and Peace"

  5. I actually LOVE women. In the most non-homosexual way possible. I LOVE THEM. I've always had close girlfriends - yes, we fight (HA! as you & I know well!) but in the end, the GOOD FRIENDS stick around. Their are girls that know you inside-out the way a man will NEVER understand you.

    As much as Doug loves me, there are aspects of me that he can never fully understand the way my besties do. There are moments in my life when I NEED women - the moments after my first therapy session, where a bestie let me crawl in her lap & sob for 30 minutes because she KNEW that deep, horrible place of PPD on a first-hand basis. The emails regarding miscarriage that a man would never understand. The phone calls with new internet friends, building me up & telling me, YES, YOU CAN DO THIS. Those hours of conversation, both deep & petty, over a cup of coffee. The friendship with my mother & the bond we share. I NEED WOMEN TO SURVIVE.

    Women challenge me to be better, healthier, stronger...they influence me, criticize me, build me up, & make me a better person through the entire experience of knowing each one of them.

    Would I re-write my story? Maybe parts of it. The parts where harsh words were exchanged in immaturity & misunderstanding. But I think those harsh words make us the women we are today...and make us realize just how much we need women as friends, mentors, & partners in crime.

  6. When I saw the title of this post I thought "that's me!". I'm not even a tomboy, but I did experience hurt in High School over words of former friends. I found the company of boys to be much less complicated until college when I met some amazing girl friends and God healed those hurts. I've since reconciled with the girls from High School- God is so good!

  7. i struggled with that as well. i despised girls. i was sick of pettiness, gossip, and flat out rudeness.

    God has a sense of humor, though. I always said i would never be in a sorority. heckkkk. no. that sounded like a nightmare. However, somehow i got talked into joining a christian sorority (phi lamb) where i not only made wonderful girl friends, but saw the biblical worth of relationships with other women of faith.